My room smells like vodka and shame
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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