Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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