You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize