there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
