worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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