oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
