The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
