I swear she didn't look like that last week.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Can't talk, ducks in the car
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
