My hand turned me down
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
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