I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
