3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
