I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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