So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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