Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize