Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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