you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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