Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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