Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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