Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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