just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
