Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
