how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
