I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
