last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
