I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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