Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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