ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
