I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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