I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
