How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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