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we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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