i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
