I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
