If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
