dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
