I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
