This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
