so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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