if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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