They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
