Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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