Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
