Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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