Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
