Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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