So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I got inside last night via doggy door
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
