Im at strip club and am horny
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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