All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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