Sorry, I don't speak sober.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
