omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
