I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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