I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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