The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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