I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I didn't notice because vodka
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
