Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
