she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
