She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
pop tarts are not kleenex
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
