After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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